


Forgive Me

by SonjaJade



Category: Rurouni Kenshin
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-15
Updated: 2012-06-15
Packaged: 2017-11-07 19:39:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/434640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonjaJade/pseuds/SonjaJade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kenshin ponders how much longer he's going to have to wait before he feels he has atoned for his sins as the Battousai. Introspective reflection, post canon</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forgive Me

***I don't own the series "Ruroni Kenshin" or the characters within***

* * *

It was a quiet night, and Kenshin was sitting outside on the engawa, taking in the gentle breeze that stirred the wind bell from time to time. Kaoru usually didn't bother him when he wanted his time alone, but she sensed that something had been bothering him all day, and when she finished cleaning up from their dinner, she made her way outside and sat down next to him. He gave her a soft smile, his hand coming to rest gently on her pregnant belly. "Dinner was good," he said as he looked back up at the night sky.

"It was, thank you," she replied, still trying to decipher what was on his mind. Giving up, she finally resigned herself to looking up at the sky with him, reaching over and grabbing his hand and just holding it as they surveyed the heavens together. After a long time, she quietly said, "Whatever it is that's bothering you, I will endure it with you."

He let out a heavy breath, then looked down at the ground, squeezing her hand gently. There was a long moment of silence before he spoke. "When will it ever be enough?" His eyes met hers and he said, "All this time has passed since Kyoto… and I still feel like I haven't made up for the atrocities I brought down there. And now the baby will be coming soon… When will it be enough? When will I know that I have atoned for my sins?"

Kaoru felt it then, his pain that had no visible wound. How do you heal someone with a broken soul? How do you comfort someone who holds themselves entirely responsible for their actions when they were following the orders of another? She took a deep breath and caressed his worried face. "Kenshin, I think the gods know how much you want to make up for the things you did back then, and I think they have more than accepted what you've tried to do as penance, and I'm sure they have forgiven you. I think maybe the question should be when can you forgive yourself?"

He looked back to the sky, twin gleaming tracks on his cheeks as he whispered, "I can't. Not yet."

"Why not?" she asked as gently as possible, her hand smoothing the back of his haori in soothing circles.

He looked back at her gently curving belly, his face shrouded in despair, and said in a wavering voice, "Because I know that many of those men I killed were in the same position as I am now, and I know in Kyoto there are many children without fathers. Why should I be able to enjoy my child when I stole that opportunity from so many families? Why should I be allowed to hold my son or daughter and be happy with my sweet wife when I have destroyed so many happy homes? And all of it over something as stupid as political power… I can't believe I allowed myself to get caught up in such drama."

Kaoru sighed silently to herself. She had hoped their baby would help him to see it was time to let go of that haunting past and move on with his life, and simply continue to walk the non-lethal path he'd made for himself in Tokyo. However, it seemed the child she carried only added another dimension of hurt to his heart, one she wasn't sure how to expunge, and she shook her head before she answered her husband.

"Kenshin, this child is a blessing from the gods… I'm sure they want you to release yourself from your own bondage to these men who have been dead now for so many years. Don't keep doing this to yourself." She scooted closer to him and put her arms around him. He was enveloped by her soft scent and the smooth silkiness of her kimono. "Please, my love… let yourself find peace."

His hand came up to squeeze her arm lovingly as she thumbed the tears from his eyes. He cried in her arms for a few moments, releasing his pain and frustration to the only one who he felt comfortable with. Kaoru held him close as his sobs momentarily wracked his body, and then he seemed to settle and calm himself after long minutes had passed. He drew in breath after breath, further calming in his wife's embrace, then turned and kissed her perfect lips once, twice, and took a deep breath. "I will Kaoru. Soon, but not yet. Not just yet." He heard her give a little bit of a whine as he laid his head on top of hers, kissing the top of her raven colored tresses. "For now, let's just enjoy this beautiful night together."

"Alright," she murmured against his chest as he drew her closer to him. For a long while, they sat and listened to the wind bell chiming every now and then, the frogs and crickets singing… just enjoying the peaceful night. When the night air began to turn cold, Kenshin stood and helped Kaoru to her feet and guided her into the house so they could go to bed. As she undressed in their small bedroom, she said, "I love you, Kenshin. I've never loved another as I love you, and I pray you can find the peace you deserve very soon." He gave her a sad smile and nodded, then crawled into the futon next to her. She blew out the lamp and found her way to his arms and whispered, " _I_ forgive you, Kenshin…"

' _If that were only enough, Kaoru…'_ he thought as she kissed his chest, settling in to sleep. _'If that were only enough.'_


End file.
